I had a nice weekend at ArmadilloCon! I got to meet some authors I knew from social media, which is always lovely. I’m in decompress mode today, but one panel has been lingering with me, and that’s the one about imposter syndrome. It was a forty-five minute panel with six speakers, so I didn’t get to talk at any length about what imposter syndrome looks like for me and how I get around it, but I have a blog.
Mwahahaha.
If you’ve managed to go your whole life with a raft of confidence and no doubts, let me explain imposter syndrome: it’s the unfounded feeling that you’re not good enough, or knowledgeable enough, or smart enough to do something, and if you go ahead and do it anyway, then someone will immediately notice how terrible you are and expose you to the rest of the group as a fraud.
From this point onward, I’m going to be talking about my experience. Yours may be different! It probably is, but hopefully hearing about my experience and how I deal with it will be helpful or at least let you know you’re not alone. :)
For me, imposter syndrome is tied up with rejection sensitivity, gatekeeping, and having an excellent imagination.
I was put on the panel because I was complaining about feeling like an imposter while filling out the panel interest list. Speakers were supposed to go through and indicate which panels they’d like to do and were qualified to discuss.
That second part is what triggered my imposter syndrome, because am I qualified to talk about writing erotic scenes in SF/F? I mean, yeah, I do write those scenes, and readers seem to enjoy them, and I’ve written nine books, but there is probably someone better who could talk about it.
And that’s the problem. I compare myself to this imaginary “someone better” and always come up short, because the person in my imagination is perfect in every way, knowledgeable on every subject, and never, ever has doubts.
It’s the same reason my doctor had to change the pain scale, because when she asked it where ten was the worst pain I’d ever imagined, my pain always was like a four. Yeah, it hurt a lot, but not like being burned alive, eaten by a grizzly, and falling into a chipper shredder, combined. That would be a ten-worthy pain.
Having an active imagination can be both a blessing and a curse. :)
Another aspect is gatekeeping. Fandom has long had a gatekeeping issue—as does tech, let’s be clear—and I generally avoid situations where I’m going to have to “prove” myself: “Oh, you like Star Wars? I bet you can’t even name everyone on the Jedi High Council.”
You’re right, I can’t! I have to write down my own character names so I don’t forget them in the middle of a talk, and I spend hundreds of hours writing them. My goldfish brain flatly refuses to hold onto some types of information, which just feeds directly into my worry that maybe I am a fraud.
So how do I get past it? How do I put that book out there, or speak on that panel, or offer advice on the very thing that’s whispering maybe you’re not good enough?
Practice and perseverance.
I know you were probably hoping for a magical cure, but alas, if I had one, this post would be a whole lot shorter. :)
Unfortunately, overcoming imposter syndrome means doing things that are scary. It means putting yourself out there, for good or ill. Your brain doesn’t want to be scared or anxious, so it’ll tell you that it’s better to stay quiet, to take the easy path, to not take the risk.
Your brain is a damn liar.
So when it starts whispering its lies, try to look at things objectively, as difficult as that can be. If you truly can’t be objective, ask a trusted friend for advice. I know if I asked my BFF if I was qualified to be on a panel about writing better sex scenes in SFF, she would be like, of course, why is this even a question for you?
Writers tend to fall into imposter syndrome pretty easily, very possibly because we’re so good with empathy and imagination and worst-case scenarios. Are you writing a book and worried that it’s awful and you suck and everyone who said they liked it is lying to you? Welcome to being a writer! I’d say most of us struggle with those feelings, even people who are highly successful. Keep going, you’ve got this.
Did your book come out but it wasn’t an instant bestseller and now you’re worried that you’re a fraud? The vast majority of books aren’t bestsellers. It’ll be okay. Keep going and maybe your next book will be. Or your tenth, or twentieth. Or maybe you’ll have a very solid midlist career that will make tons of readers happy without ever writing a bestseller—but only if you keep going.
And imposter syndrome doesn’t go away with “success.” If anything, it can get worse, because the measure of success moves. At first, it’s just finishing the book. Then it’s getting an agent. Then a publishing deal. Then hitting a list, then hitting higher on the list. When the goal posts keep moving, it’s easy to fall into the thinking that you aren’t good enough.
You are good enough.
And don’t worry if you still feel like an imposter. You aren’t alone, and a little bit of imposter syndrome isn’t necessarily a bad thing. At least you won’t have to worry about being a pompous asshole. :)
I had several people come up after my panels this weekend and tell me how much they enjoyed my contributions. If I’d let imposter syndrome keep me at home, then those attendees would’ve missed out on my perspective, and that would’ve been a shame.
So keep going, keep doing those scary things, and it will get easier. Not easy, at least not for me, but easier. I’ll never measure up to that imaginary perfect person in my head, but I don’t have to. Even messy and imperfect and unable to remember the answer to a single gatekeeping question, I still have value to contribute.
Maybe the thing I say or do or write will be the thing that someone desperately needs right at that moment.
And that’s worth taking the risk.
Keep going with your writing!
I had the same problem when I was in school, especially doctoral school. When stuff got too bad, I would (and still) listen to REO Speedwagon’s “Keep Pushin'”. It helped get my mind off of the hamster wheel of “what are you doing?!”
You’re not alone. Your writing is very, very good. Put the horse blinders on and ignore, as much as possible, the stupid whispers that tell you your writing is not good enough. 😎😁😊
My confidence boosting song is Earth, Wind & Fire’s Keep Your Head to the Sky.
Thank you for a very thoughtful article. I’m not a writer but do other creative projects such as making glass beads on a torch, cutting and grinding rocks to make cabochons for jewelry and creating jewelry among other arts and crafts but do experience that imposter syndrome so I found it helpful to read your article. You are one of my favorite writers and sci fi is one of my favorite genres to read because it’s a great escape from all the terrible things going on in this world. Thank you for your wonderful well thought out books.
well said!!!!
This was some great insights. Thanks! And, thanks for continuing to write. I’m not a writer but I think it’s good to push ourselves a little (or more) beyond our comfort zones. Now, if I would only do that… 😉
Thank you so much for such an insightful analysis of imposter syndrome. I definitely struggle with the feeling that there has to be someone better than me for the job. Your description of how the bar moves with continued success really hit home as well. I think Im going to save this post to come back to.
This post and all that you said spoke to me in some way I can’t explain. I suffer from the impostor syndrome in my career, and while I try to get past it usually, sometimes I fall prey and take the easy way out.
Thank you. I’ll have to keep “practice and perseverance” in mind.
This is sooo me! Thank you for putting it into words. I’m a teacher and will be back in school in a little more than a week. Every year I start with a feeling that I’m not good enough as a teacher. But I know I am. It’s my brain telling me. But It’s hard to overcome.
Great post. I am like you on the pain scale. When my dr said that I imagined a 10 being in a burn unit so mine was nowhere even close.
Negative stuff is easier to believe whether we say it to ourselves or someone says it to us. That’s where counting your blessings comes in. Remember your achievements, what you do well, what you have learned and how far you have come. Keep trying and you will get better.
As Thomas Edison said about his process while inventing the light bulb: I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thank you!
Thank you!❤️ You are worthy!
I could really relate to your experience, thankyou for sharing. I feel a little better about my own goldfish brain now!
You gave me another ray of sunshine in my blissful retirement. I suffered imposter syndrome my entire career. I always felt I wasn’t quite good enough for the job. However, I guess it drove me to be as proficient as I was able because I continued to be promoted into even more challenging jobs that I was quite sure were beyond my capabilities. But in the long run, I had a successful and satisfying career. Maybe that sense of, shall we say “humility” is what keeps us from taking any success for granted enough to rest on our laurels and coast. You both do great work because you don’t sit back and count your gold stars, you keep on striving and stretching. I almost never allowed myself to read for pleasure during those years and I missed it. So, so glad to have you in my retirement plan!😍
It is the same way with creativity and taking compliments. When someone compliments me on my quilts I will say oh but I missed my points over here which someone never noticed. Or if I take a dessert to work and get a compliment I will mention I used a box mix. Again it is part of the imposter as there are always people better than me. I have been trying to learn to say thank you when I get a compliment. I think it all ties in with the imposter syndrome.
I understand fully that imposter syndrome. As an artist I got some really good advice: Just say thank you to the compliment, accept it fully, and really, people don’t know enough about what we do to even see what we think are mistakes or errors. Perfection is the enemy of good & brilliant work possibly depends on our imperfect perception. Perfect may be the most boring thing (if even possible?) My standards as I apply them to my work are good enough! And I am always raising the bar on my next thing. That makes me strive for better or different. IMHO heh!
Thank you for sharing this! It is very timely for me right now and I appreciate your words. This is my first time posting, but I really wanted to tell you how much this post meant to me. 🤗
Btw, I started reading you from a post on Ilona Andrews’ blog and love your stories! 😊
There is a great song by The Doubleclicks about the Mars Rover Curiosity having imposter syndrome called “Imposter”. Listening to it helped when I got a job that I did not feel I really qualified for, but ultimately did quite well at! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHU67s5tOSA
I can relate to this so much! Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. Writers need other writers for encouragement.
A perfect post. Thank you!
Your comment about your brain constantly moving the goalposts was a big help. Apologies for hogging panel time and not giving you a chance to say more. I wrote a post about it as well. Was not a good day for me. https://paigeewing.com/sff-romance-author/imposter-syndrome-armadillocon-and-gardening-in-a-drought/
Paige
No worries, a large panel is always difficult to balance. And I hope you’re feeling better now!